Men With Beards Tee

  • Sale
  • Regular price $ 23.95


Guns don't kill people - men with beards do. That's not conjecture, it's not hyperbole, it's not an exaggeration. It's a simple truth: and that's why we made this magnificent beard shirt.

Warning: The Men With Beards t-shirt cannot be easily worn hipsters or libtards. It could seriously cause them to burst into flames.

These shirts are woven of double rectified face kevlar, hewn in tiny, precious, deadly bits with a tomahawk recently honed on the petrified bones of a boss T-Rex. The whiskers are taken from the chin ghillies of assorted badasses engaged in mirth, mayhem and/or direct action while the smell of cordite and burnt insurgent still lingers in the air.

Kyle Lamb of Viking Tactics in a beard shirt

In fact, if you look carefully, you can see one of our generous donors fresh back from slaughtering irhabist cannibals and preparing to grow our next shirt with his face.

Beard Shirts: See what other designs are currently available.

In any case, the collected hairs of those warrior beards are then beaten by buxom, scantily clad maidens until soft as silk using war hammers blessed by Hephaestus, Ilmarinen and Vulcan in turn (and in that order).

They are then rinsed in a solution of pacifist hippie tears prepared by boiling over a fire built from the wood of a recently hugged tree and imbued with essence of Einherjar, woven into cloth by naked REDheads and finally sewn into a garment using chobham armor thread infused with minotaur semen. 

The result is a garment utterly suitable for anyone embarking upon the wrathful delivery of Liberty and the vanquishing of evil (or even righteous world conquest, though we frown upon the idea).

Warrior Shirts: other designs for those who put boot to ass.

Note: we aren't fucking around about the spontaneous combustion. If you wear skinny jeans, one of those white belts with shiny stuff on it or have any issue whatsoever with justified, well-delivered bloodshed, do not put on this shirt. You will no kidding burn to a crisp, right there. You might even shit yourself first.  

Like this? Check out the:

Men with Beards morale patch



Product Details:

• 100% ring-spun cotton
• Sport Grey is 90% ring-spun cotton, 10% polyester
• Dark Heather is 65% polyester, 35% cotton
• 4.5 oz/y² (153 g/m²)
• Pre-shrunk
• Shoulder-to-shoulder taping
• Quarter-turned to avoid crease down the center

Size guide

  S M L XL 2XL 3XL
Length (inches) 28 29 ¼ 30 ¼ 31 ¼ 32 ½ 33 ½
Width (inches) 18 20 22 24 26 28